The Article
by 890X001
Summary: "The Article" is the first and only place where four penguins and a special guest discuss topics, stories, and, you guessed it, articles. Opinions are shared, new things are learned, and funny things happen. Occasionally. This episode, the holidays are coming. Do you have anything to give to your loved ones? No? Well, the Penguins are here to help.
1. The Pilot Episode

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Penguins of Madagascar or any of the articles that are mentioned and/or discussed.**

**Note: Some coarse language and internet slang is present. Don't worry, other characters will be on here.**

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><p>The scene opens in a small room with a round coffee table in the center. The wooden furnisher sits on a red rug. The lights shine down upon five people: Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, Private, and a Red Husky by the name of Negan. All seated around the light brown coffee table.<p>

A giant LCD screen screamed in the background with its gorgeous HD pixels. Skipper clears his throat before beginning, "Hello, and welcome to "_The Article_", the first and only place where we take popular articles on the "_Buzzfeed_" website and discuss our opinions." Skipper introduced, holding a few papers in his flippers.

"We are exactly one day away from Halloween! If you're reading this after the 30th, then Happy Halloween." Kowalski spoke, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Yes, Happy Halloween, who ever you are." Skipper said.

"Our surprise guest is the one and only, Negan. I only said the first part because he told me to, say hello to the people reading this, Negan." Skipper introduced the canine.

"Although I do have to object with Skipper's comment for helping me boost my ego, it is a pleasure having me here. Not only meeting you all, but to be the very first guest. I'm excited to see where this goes." the Husky smiled.

"We're excited too, Negan. It's really great having you here." Private commented.

"Okay, greetings aside, let's get to the articles!" Skipper announced.

"Yeah, yeah!" Rico grunted with excitement.

"If you're wondering why we're starting a day before Halloween, it's because we are here to help you with your last minute Halloween costume problems." Skipper said.

"But, you're talking to the professionals here. We're here to tell you which last minute costumes NOT to get." Kowalski noted.

"Ah, of course. There are good costumes, then there's the ones that we don't talk about." Skipper said.

"Until now." Negan added.

"So, we're going to list the top five worst Halloween costumes of 2014," the young penguin started, "Staring with number five: The Ice Bucket Challenge outfit."

"Wait, wait, wait, this is a real costume?" the canine inquired, not believing what the young penguin just said.

"Oh yeah, these are real and available now." Kowalski answered.

"Wow, and for number five. I can just imagine the next four."

"Oh, you have no idea." Skipper chuckled.

"Okay, so, the Ice Bucket Challenge outfit. It comes with a bucket with a faux water film, a white tulle tunic with faux ice cubes, which means it's like a drape that's hot glued to a plastic bucket, and an ice tray." Private said, snickering.

"Wow, I did not really expect this to happen." Negan said.

"Neither did we." Kowalski said.

"Since this is the Ice Bucket Challenge, you have to hold the bucket over your head the entire time, otherwise, you'll be dragging a plastic bucket wherever you go." Skipper explained.

"I mean, I'm just at a loss of words." the canine sighed.

"So, you get all this for the price of thirty-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents. Which I think is a good deal… for an imbecile." Kowalski chuckled under his breath.

"Couldn't have said it better myself. I mean, I would have used a different word than "imbecile"." Negan said, reaching for his mug that rested on the table.

"Alright, number four: Ray Rice." Skipper couldn't keep a straight face while reveling the next costume.

"Oh my God, WHAT?!" Negan snorted, almost spitting out his coffee.

"Most of us have seen these pictures popping up on the internet: a man dressed as football player, Ray Rice, and his beat up, abused, dragged-out-of-an-elevator wife." Skipper said.

"So, a blowup doll?" the canine asked.

"Yep!" Rico answered.

"The doll includes wearing a red dress and a black wig. No site has this up for grabs but, I'm sure with a little handwork and creativity, you'll be able to achieve dressing up as Ray Rice for the Halloweens." Private said.

"Do you even know what a blowup doll is?" Negan asked the young penguin.

"Of course I do, it's a life-size human balloon doll." the penguin answered.

"Eh, you've got half of the definition correct." Negan said.

"The boy doesn't need to know." Skipper cut in.

"You're right, maybe Kowalski could tell the boy after the show."

"Pardon me?" Kowalski didn't quite catch the last bit of the conversation.

"Moving on, we can't just leave out the children right? Well, number three's got you covered: Baby pot leaf." Skipper snickered.

"What?" the canine inquired.

"Oh man, I thought we weren't doing that." Private sighed.

"Who the hell would buy this?!" Negan exclaimed.

"Bad parents!"

"Yes! If you buy this, you're going to have a bad time."

"DON'T BUY THIS."

"That one's self explanatory. Next at number two is: ISIS terrorist with captured doll." Kowalski said with disgust.

"I have lost my faith for humanity entirely. I didn't think that that was possible. Especially with costumes." Negan sighed deeply.

"This costume includes a ski mask, black leather vest, a plastic knife, and a doll that's dressed in an orange prison jumpsuit." Private explained.

"I just realized, this isn't number one?" Negan inquired.

"Nope, two." Rico answered.

"It isn't? What the hell could be worse than this?!"

"Oh, you'll be surprised." Skipper answered, drinking his coffee.

"Okay, here is number one. Are you all ready for this?" Kowalski inquired.

"I'm not sure if I can handle it." the canine answered.

"Number one: Sexy Ebola Containment Suit."

"I'm done. I'M DONE." the canine groaned.

"For fifty-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, you can get the Ebola white costume dress, Ebola face shield, breathing mask, safety eye goggles, and blue latex gloves. Boots not included." Private said.

"This is what society's come to. It's just… I can't. I just can't." Negan buried his face in his paws.

"This was blowing up all over social media. At first, it was originally a costume for a TV show called, "Breaking Bad", but somebody photoshopped the name "Sexy Ebola Hazmat Suit" over the actual product's name. It didn't take long for someone to actually sell it off in reality." Skipper said, shuffling the papers he had in his flippers.

"Here, I'll read the product's details," Kowalski said, reading the paper he had printed, "It says, "As the deadly Ebola virus trickles its way through the United States, fighting its disease is no reason to compromise style. The short dress and chic gas mask will be the talk of Milan, London, Paris, and New York as the world's fashionistas seek global solutions to hazmat couture. Ending plague isn't the endeavor of a single woman, so be sure to check out our men's Ebola Containment Costume for a great couple's costume idea."."

"It's not a great costume idea!" Negan exclaimed.

"We know!" Skipper said.

"And that's why it got number one. Well, that does it for our first episode. We'll see you all tomorrow, hopefully. There were many other horrible costumes that didn't get to make the list like: Joan Rivers, Malaysian airlines, a cigarette for toddlers, and a condom. These were our top five." Skipper spoke.

"I was great having Negan with us this episode." Private said.

"It was great being here, Private, thank you guys for inviting me here to discuss these atrocious outfits." Negan thanked.

"And if you're planning on buying that Ebola costume, you should just rip out your own heart with a spoon." Skipper suggested.

"With Ebola." Negan added.

"With Ebola. We'll see you next time with a different surprise guest and a different article. This is Skipper, sighing off." Skipper saluted.

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><p><strong>How was this little chapter? Was it okay? Eh? Or nah? Let me know. You can even suggest a "Buzzfeed" article of your own. Maybe the penguins will discuss it in the future. There might be a few mistakes, I'll fix those later. <strong>

**Note: I'm using this as a filler until I update "The Dead". I already have three episodes ready. Expect it January. I'll have a teaser and a little something-something coming soon. Let's just say it answers the question, "Where's Julien?"**


	2. The Barista Episode

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Penguins of Madagascar or any of the articles that are mentioned and/or discussed.**

**Note: Some coarse language and internet slang is present. Don't worry, other characters will be on here.**

* * *

><p>The scene opens in a small room with a round coffee table in the center. The wooden furnisher sits on a red rug. The lights shine down upon five people: Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, Private, and a German Shepherd by the name of Ryan. All seated around the light brown coffee table.<p>

A giant LCD screen screamed in the background with its gorgeous HD pixels. Skipper clears his throat before beginning, "Hello, and welcome to "_The Article_", the first and only place where we take popular articles on the "_Buzzfeed_" website and discuss our opinions." Skipper introduced, holding a few papers in his flippers.

"You wanted "moar". We'll give you "moar". It's approximately November fourteenth, here in New York, and we are joined with a new special guest!" Skipper spoke, "Say hello to the readers, Ryan."

"Hello, reader, the name's Ryan. Not to confuse it for _I Ran_." Ryan said.

"Who called you _I Ran_? Was the person deaf or something?" Skipper inquired.

"Um, I'm pretty sure deaf people can't hear at all." Private said, twiddling his flippers.

"I was being sarcastic." Skipper replied.

"Well it is hard to tell with you." Kowalski said.

"Yep." Rico spoke.

"Really? I haven't noticed." Skipper began questioning.

"So, Ryan, you've been called _I Ran_?" Private asked the canine.

"Oh yeah, many a time." he answered.

"Really now? By who?" Kowalski asked.

"One word: baristas". Ryan replied.

"Ah, that makes sense. Where was this? I'm guessing this happened at "-"." Skipper guessed.

"You got it. Wait, are we allowed to say the names of companies here?" Ryan asked.

"Uh-oh. Looks like we're going to have to blur that out. Let me try that again. Ahem. I'm guessing this happened at "Starducks"." Skipper corrected himself.

"Yep. At… "Starducks"." Ryan cocked his head.

"Well, you're not the only one who gets their names wrong at the said café. Have a look at these people's misfortunes." Kowalski said, sipping his coffee which, in fact, is not from "Starducks".

"Grande Americano for Vagina?" Skipper read the paper in front of him.

"Skipper!" Kowalski called.

"Woah, take it easy man!" Ryan yelled.

"AAAHHHHHHH!" Rico shrieked.

"My ears are bleeding!" Private shouted, covering his ears.

"I was just reading what it said!" Skipper barked.

"PROTECT THE CHILD." Ryan yelled.

**-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES-  
>-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES-<br>-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES-  
>-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES-<strong>

"Aaaand, we're back! We managed to get things all sorted out. Private is no longer in his trance, and we managed to not get sued by the café company during the break!" Skipper cheered.

"So, ahem, Grande Americano for…" Kowalski said.

"Yeah. The woman's name was Virginia." Skipper answered.

"How about a Skinny Latte for Shat?" Kowalski inquired.

"Ooh, now that's bad." Ryan chuckled.

"I guess it's fairly easy to confuse Chad with Shat. Also, can you make that a Cappuccino for Jelpqralop?" Skipper asked.

"I'm sorry, what was that sound you just made?" Ryan asked.

"Supposedly, the costumer's name is Jessica." Private answered.

"Wow, I mean, I don't know how to reply to that." Ryan said, baffled.

"Hot chocolate for Kale!" Skipper yelled.

"No, it's Cate." Kowalski played as the costumer.

"Oh, Kale! Got it."

"Dammit, I said CATE!" Kowalski yelled.

"I hate kale." Ryan said.

"You mean, Cate?" Skipper asked.

"No, I mean the food, kale." Ryan answered.

"Oh, I thought you were talking about Cate." Skipper said.

"Her too." Ryan said.

"Iced latte for Tim. Guess what they wrote?" Private asked.

"How bad can it be?" Ryan inquired.

"Damon. They wrote Damon." Skipper answered.

"That's just sad. It's like "Starducks" took all the people with the worst hearing on the planet and just crammed them into their cafés." Ryan said.

"I don't even like "Starducks"." Skipper said, drinking his cup of the bitter liquid.

"Iced tea for Chris?" Private asked.

"You mean, Quess?" Kowalski inquired.

"Perfect!" Ryan yelled.

"Latte for Alan." Private inquired.

"Ah yes, Alien. Who's next?" Skipper said.

"How about a venti latte for Oliver?" Kowalski asked.

"They wrote "All Over". All. Freaking. Over." Skipper said in a serious tone.

"I'm sorry, I'm just going to sit in the corner and think about my life for a second." Ryan said.

"Would you like a passion tea with that, Jim?" Skipper asked.

"Ah, you mean, Gim?" Kowalski inquired.

"Venti iced caramel macchiato for Connie. I meant, Koni." Kowalski said.

"Half-calf latte for Ian, please." Private said.

"Aiyon?" Kowalski inquired.

"No, Ian." Private said.

"Eion?" Skipper asked.

"Guys" it's actually "Ian"." Private said softly.

"E.N.?" Rico asked.

"Eiyon?" Skipper inquired.

"MY STUPID NAME IS IAN." Private yelled.

"Ah, yes, Stupid. You're drink will be ready in about fifty billion years." Kowalski said.

"Cappuccino for Kurt? Oh, Einstein's trousers, don't say the what the barista wrote." Kowalski said.

"Cunt." Rico said sternly.

"RICO!" Kowalski yelled.

"JESUS." Ryan barked.

"And a soy latte for Clint. Oh, did I say Clint? I actually meant Clit." Skipper said.

"SKIPPER, NOT YOU TOO!" Kowalski yelled.

"I'm really confused." Private said innocently.

"THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE!" Kowalski yelled.

"Hey, I do the outdo!" Skipper barked, "I'm afraid, by some even more technical difficulties, we're going to have to end it short. We'll see you all next time with another special guest. As for this one, say good bye, special guest." Skipper said.

"Goodbye, special guest." Ryan said.

"Charming." Skipper sighed.

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><p><strong>Yay! Episode two!<strong> **How was this Chapter? I hope it lives up to the first one. Next episode will be a quiz! You all may participate at home or at work or where ever the hell you are! **

**I also have some news on "The Dead". The first episode will got live on Janurary 18th! The hype is real and shit is about to hit the fan really quickly. **

**Before I forget, I was planning on doing a one-shot on a character from "The Dead". I was thinking about Segen and his dilemma. I was thinking like writing a small story with a specific song playing in the background to show who he really is. Let me know if you're interested in reading that. **

**Alright, that's all from me today. See you real soon…**


	3. The Christmas Gift Episode

The scene opens in a small room with a round coffee table in the center. The wooden furniture sits on a red rug. The lights shine down upon five people: Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, Private, and a German Shepherd by the name of Ryan. All seated around the light brown coffee table.

A giant LCD screen screamed in the background with its gorgeous HD pixels. Skipper clears his throat before beginning, "Hello, and welcome to "_The Article_", the first and only place where we take popular articles on the "_Buzzfeed_" website and discuss our opinions." Skipper introduced, holding a few papers in his flippers.

"After we were able to release all of our profanity use and weirdness last episode, we are here to aid you in your Christmas shopping dilemma." the leader said. "And, we're here with our special guest, Marlene. Say hello, otter." Skipper introduced.

"Why? Where and who am I saying hello to?" Marlene questioned.

"Never mind. Now with the program."

"Yes, Christmas day is around the corner, and you're here without any gifts." Kowalski said.

"Or, you just don't know what to give your friends, family, or co-workers. We are here to give you not ten, not twenty, but twenty-two gifts that everyone will be thankful for having you as a friend." Private exclaimed.

"I doubt it." Kowalski said.

"Twenty-two? Do we have the energy to do all of them?" Skipper inquired.

"Wait, weren't we supposed to be doing a quiz?" Private inquired.

"Quiz? Where did you get that from?" Kowalski asked.

"Here are sixteen items that cost under five dollars:" Marlene started.

"Hey!" Rico grunted.

"Umm, we're the ones running this thing, Marlene. So, if you excuse us, we'll take it from here." Skipper interrupted.

"This is why you shouldn't trust me with the script. If non of you start, I'm going ahead and say your li-"

"Number one! Cardboard DIY Occulus Rift. Now, an Occulus Rift is a gaming device that's basically puts you inside the game." Skipper explained.

"Oh, now we're stealing my lines…?" Kowalski sighed.

"Cost? Three dollars and fifty cents." Private noted. "Not sure if the actual device is in th-"

"Number two: Champagne Lollipop. You know, just to make sure you want to remind your family that they dislike you.

Price, four dollars and fifty cents." Skipper said.

"Champagne? Really? Did they run out of flavors?" Marlene questioned.

"Apparently not. Third item: Fake Parking Tickets. For just three dollars, you can break your brother's or sister's day." Kowalski smiled.

"Okay, that's just rude. Who'd get that? It's Christmas!" Marlene argued.

"Don't be surprised if you see one on your vehicle." Skipper whispered.

"What?"

"Nutella spreader for two dollars and fifty cents?" Kowalski interrupted.

"I could just feel my skin crawl." Skipper uttered.

"For three bucks, you could get a mean dinosaur sticker that reads: Your Stick Figure Family was Delicious! And it's a dinosaur eating a family." Private spoke.

"That's… very morbid and disturbing, now, here's something that you all should take note of: for three dollars, you could get a cellfie cross-stitch. It's a cell saying 'Let's take a cellfie." Kowalski smiled.

No one responded. "No one?" he called.

"You could just hear the cricket chirping." Skipper broke the silence.

"For four bucks, you could buy a mug that says, cover those ears, Private, 'Merry Fucking X-Mas. And it shows four reindeer having a pleasant day." Skipper muttered.

"What are they doing?" Marlene inquired.

"_Pleasant_ day. _Pleasant_." Skipper emphasized.

"Oh… ew." the otter shivered.

"What about an anti-dust cat protector? It's a miniature cat figurine that you plug in to your headphone jack. You know, to keep dust away." Kowalski spoke.

"More like to keep your friends away. Up next is a… banana slicer… Do not give this to any female. Ever." Skipper ordered.

"That's just evil. Who would make such a thing?" Kowalski asked.

"Probably a feminist. Up next: a hipster mini candle. You know you all have that one bad boy or girl in the family. Why not give them a small canister of chewing tobacco that's actually a candle? You know? As if they needed to hate you even more." Skipper chuckled.

"What about a universal remote?" Private inquired.

"Don't give that to Kowalski or Rico. It will only end badly." Skipper warned.

"At last, I have… I mean, what? Hello Kitty Ice Tray?" Kowalski shook his head.

"What? Why?" Marlene inquired.

"I don't know, for that… anime freak? Beats me. For three dollars, you can get a boot shaped shot glass." Skipper said.

"We should get those for our New Years party coming up. Private, you'll stick to piña colada." Kowalski informed.

"Aww, why aren't I old enough to drink the special apple juice?" Private whined.

"You keep telling yourself that. Disco lipgloss for five dollars, a keyboard cover for around three dollars, and a Wow Much Coaster coaster for five dollars." Skipper listed.

"Wow. Much spill. Such drink. Very liquid. Wow." Kowalski mocked.

"Now for things under ten dollars. First, a mug with the famous internet term: Meh." Kowalski said.

"Sounds like my kind of mug." Skipper smiled.

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Rico frantically said.

"Pizza erasers, anyone?" Kowalski inquired.

"Now that's genius." Marlene said.

"Under fifteen dollars, you can get someone a sarcastic eight ball." Skipper said.

"Yeah, right."

"In your dreams."

"They'll surely love this one."

"What a lovely gift, Skipper" Private mocked.

"What about colored toilet paper?"

"Never get the brown one." Kowalski snickered.

"You're gross. Now this is something everyone needs: St. Kanye West candle." Skipper spoke.

"Yes! Of course! Praise Yeezus!" Kowalski shouted.

"The Sloth calendar for just fourteen dollars, Ryan Gosling earings, a mouse pad with Nicolas Cage's FACE, and a toilet golf game for when you're on the John." Skipper listed.

"And, thus completes our gift giving ideas for you all. I think I came up with a few things I could give you guys for Christmas." Skipper said.

"I do too. There were just so many things to chose from." Marlene said.

"Well, that's the end of this episode, we'll be seeing you all soon with a quiz or another article or whatever." Skipper sighed. "Have a Merry Christmas. If you see a parking ticket on your car on Christmas Day, you didn't suspect anything…" Skipper closed.


End file.
